Let Us Help You: J.J.C.
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Atlanta, GA – This Saturday, one of our reporters observed a phenomenon in the city of Sandy Springs, a suburb of Atlanta, that no Diasporan wants to witness: A fellow African looking distinctly (and tragically) un-African, trying so hard to blend in that she stuck out like…I mean, she was just sticking out.
Year after year, many Africans uproot themselves from their homeland, leaving all they know in search of “greener pastures” in Europe, Canada and America. Commonly known as “Johnny/Joanna Just Come” (JJC), they have unique qualities that differentiate them from their counterparts who’ve been abroad for longer. JJCs have usually been in their host country for 2 months or less. They are often confused, wanting to assimilate and blend in as mush as possible, while trying to hold on to the things that have defined them to this point. Despite the passion and the force with which they try to accomplish this, they fail. The slangs don’t come easy. They are still wearing stone-washed jeans in 2008. Assimilation is an uphill battle.
As Africa’s premier source for news and information, we as always, feel it our duty to fortify all Africans, at home and abroad. JJCs everywhere…we beg…let us help you with these few tips:
1. When you go to a restaurant, shoe store, or any other place where they sell things, don’t try and get the purveyor’s attention by saying “Sssssss!”
Try saying: Excuse me ma’am/sir, can you….
2. Men: Don’t tuck in your shirt so tight. Also, buy a belt that fits you. Yes, we know: In Ghana/Zaire/Mozambique they only had one size, and those times, your waist was tiny. But you’re in Abroad now! They have belts for size 22 waist and any size you may grow to.
3. Ladies: When you go and do perming, you don’t have to put all the colors in your hair. In Africa, we have two hair dyes: Black and reddish brown. But now that you are in Abroad doesn’t mean you have color your hair blond. If you are darker than the color of groundnut, blond hair does not look nice on you. Trust us.
4. Jeans in America are for casual wear, not for formal events. And if you must insist on wearing a jeans outfit, make sure the pieces are all the same color. Don’t wear stone washed bottoms and an acid washed jacket. It’s NOT NICE.
5. Stone washed jeans are out. They stopped wearing them in 1995.
6. Men: If you see a young lady and want to speak to her, don’t pucker your lips and make that god-awful “mmppbbeeeuew” sound. You know the one we’re speaking of. Like a balloon deflating with speed…. Ah!
7. Gentlemen: When you go to the barber, look at the other styles he can do for you. You don’t have to ‘crob’ the sides of your head SO close, and then put Dax on top to make it shiny, like you did in primary school. It’s NOT NICE.
8. Please don’t wear sandals in winter.
9. Ladies: On an evening out, don’t put baby powder on your face to even your complexion. Visit M.A.C. or your local Avon/Mary Kay representative and buy some foundation to match your skin tone.
Finally:
10. Remember where you are! You in Abroad now. If they burn your burger, take it back and demand a new one! If you buy a dress and it doesn’t fit, take it back and get your refund! (‘Refund’ means money back). Even if it tears, they will still take it. And we beg you, please obtain a valid license before you go and drive any car. If you offer the police bribe, they will put you UNDER the jail.
Here is not Africa. We’ve warned you.
