Ahoy! Abortion Ships on the Horizon!
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Nairobi, Kenya – Government ministers and Western women’s rights group cheered as news that American aid would once more flow to the continent to assist in its abortion efforts.
In Kenya alone, about 300,000 illegal abortions are conducted each year in back alleys and slums. African leaders want to change that.
“Not only do we want to make abortion safe and legal, we want to triple that number by 2015…if at all possible.”
A spokeswoman for Planned Parenthood (speaking on condition of anonymity of course), America’s largest family planning organization applauded the new measures.
“As we know, 50% of all African children will die of AIDS,” she explained. “80% of all African boys will become child soldiers, and 60% of all African girls will become sex slaves. If we can get to these kids in the womb, before they become part of the problem, we can save the continent a lot of heartache.”
America is joining other industrialized nations in sending ships to Africa’s shores to provide these family planning services. The venture will be similar to Doctors Without Borders/Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF). The first vessel is subtly named ‘Terminator 1’ and should get to West Africa in a matter of weeks. Terminators 2 through 50 will be dispatched in the coming months.
We asked why so many ships were necessary.
“We want to make sure we kill as many African children as possible,” said the PP rep.
African leaders who have faced opposition from religious groups were adamant that abortion as the dominant/exclusive measure for family planning was the only way to save the continent.
“It is not natural for black people to love their children,” said a Ghanaian deputy minister. “There is a reason why black babies comprise of 37% of all abortions done in America, even though blacks make up 12% of the population. What is a baby compared to a Fendi bag?”
A minister in Mozambique echoed the sentiment.
“Our governments could spend more money on education on condom use and even provide easier access to birth control pills,” he explained, “but that might divert from more pressing private works projects. Our leaders deserve new houses, shinier shoes, and the best education foreign donations can provide for our children.”
He noted that it would be impossible to attain all these goals if there were poor African children around gobbling up these precious resources.
“It’s more cost effective to kill them in the womb.”
Many leaders are hoping to get funding for sterilization the majority of the continents inhabitants.
